Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Big Ideas

The Mister has a lot of hilarious ideas and theories. He is pretty pleased with himself most the time.

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Cats

Cats have managed to get online the same way they've managed to take over the civilized world for the past few thousand years: by proxy.

Look, you graciously designate a place for them to shit in your domicile and then when they use it, you clean up after them. You provide food, water, shelter. In return, they hand-rape you for affection, sometimes going so far as to put their kitty buttholes in your face until you wake-up/succumb. They don't come when they're called, they won't listen, they sleep wherever they like, spray if they feel slighted, and grab-and-scratch, even if you don't feel like playing.

If you had a friend like that... Well, no person in their right mind would. Now who really owns your house? Kitty by proxy, I'm telling you.

They get online the same way. They be cute enough or weird enough or interesting enough and you go "Awww" or whatever and post pictures of them, which they've programmed you to caption in kitty code, which is unbreakable to humans. The code is then translated, by the viewer/receiver, unwittingly, into laughter, which is then eavesdropped by the receiving cat and translated back into Cat.

Usually these messages involve little more than a simple "We want chicken, we want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver", but occasionally, it's something far more sinister: "Hey guys, remember the Egyptian Empire? How we all got worshipped and stuff? Let's get something like that going again!"

Wake up ya'll. The Kitty Conspiracy is happening all around you.








I was just a poor college student struggling to survive when my cat stumbled into one of my alchemy homework assignments. Now the government is after us both. Who would have thought I'd find a cat worth it's weight in gold? GOLDCAT - Coming this October.

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